Of Friends, Drink and Manacures
by Volitan
Summary: Scotty and a Friend stumble home drunk on the Star Fleet Academy Campus.  They meet three Ladies and have an amusing conversation.  SCRIPT FORMAT.


This came to me when I was bored at work. I tapped it out in script format, with the intention of coming back and adding flesh to the bones. However, I found it too amusing to pad out. IT REMAINS IN **_SCRIPT FORMAT_**.

I publish this with the sole purpose of making people laugh. The sun is shining over here in Blighty, and that's reason enough for me to make other people happy.

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><p>I am an amateur author of false name,<p>

I borrow worlds of another's fame.

I stake no claim on recognised locations,

Neither do I own canon situations.

I merely come here to spend a while,

Reading other's work; writing my own style.

I earn no money, no wage, no dosh.

I gain no finance, no revenue, no cash.

I do not mean to step on legal toes,

I mean no infringement, I'm friend not foe.

So please, do come in, relax, unwind.

I hope in my work, enjoyment you will find.

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><p><strong>It is late evening. SCOTTY and a FRIEND have just come back into the Star Fleet Academy campus. They are both very drunk, and struggling to walk in a straight line. In one of the dorm buildings, CHRISTINE CHAPEL, UHURA and GAILA are bonding over red wine and pedicures.<strong>

**SCOTTY (looking up as he hears laughter, slurring to his friend)**: Laddie! Hold it!

**FRIEND**: Why? Hold what?

**SCOTTY**: Hold yer horses, Laddie, tha's what! There's a lovely lassie up there! I might jus' serenade 'er!

**FRIEND**: Not if you wana get laid - cause you can't sing for love nor money! I've heard your excuse for singing in the sonic shower!

**SCOTTY**: Shut up! Lassie! Up there! Ye want me to sing?

**CHRISTINE (peering down at the drunk men and laughing)**: Not really.

**FRIEND**: Good choice!

**SCOTTY**: What's a lovely windowsill doin' sat on a girl like ye, Lassie?

**CHRISTINE**: I'm presuming you meant that the other way around?

**SCOTTY**: Whatever activates your warp coils, Lassie. What are ye doing up there?

**CHRISTINE**: Painting my toenails.

**SCOTTY (scratching head)**: Do yer normally do tha' sat on a windowsill?

**CHRISTINE**: yeah, because nail varnish smells.

**SCOTTY (swaggering in a manner that he **_**thinks**_** looks good, but looks ridiculous)**: Lassie, tell me, do ye find engineers attractive?

**FRIEND**: and do you have a friend up there for me?

**SCOTTY (turning to friend)**: Shut up! Yer cramping me style!

**FRIEND**: What style?

**SCOTTY (preening a bit)**: I'm stylish, I am.

**FRIEND**: Of _course_ you are…

**SCOTTY**: Aye, Laddie, I'm _very_ stylish, I am.

**FRIEND (rolling eyes)**: Yeah, you're on the cover of _Vogue_, you're so stylish.

**SCOTTY (looking back up at the window)**: So, Lassie, _do_ ye find engineers attractive? 'Cause, _I'm_ an engineer, don't ye know.

**FRIEND (jumping up and down a bit)**: Me too! I'm an engineer too!

**CHRISTINE (laughing)**: No! I don't find engineers attractive. You're all too accident prone.

**SCOTTY**: Lassie! Don-nay break me heart by telling me yer one o' _them_ God-forsaken _health an' safety inspectors_?

**FRIEND**: _Freaks_ the lot of them, those _inspectors_! Wanna wrap the universe in cotton wool! The idiots think that engineering on a ship is a _death trap_!

**SCOTTY**: Aye! _Freaks_ they are, indeed! Was nay _our_ fault the bloody shield generator exploded!

**FRIEND**: No, not _our_ fault that a mob of Kingon warbirds came after our lovely lady!

**SCOTTY**: Tell me yer _nay_ a health and safety inspector - cause, Lassie, all I wana do is shove _them_ oot an airlock!

**GAILA (from inside the room)**: I was not aware that Health and Safety inspectors sat on _third-story open windowsills _to paint their toenails.

**UHURA (laughing)**: Good point.

**SCOTTY**: Put me oot me misery, Lassie, tell me yer not a health and safety inspector.

**CHRISTINE (giggles)**: I'm a nurse.

**FRIEND (mock swoons)**: I'm _really_ sick - come and make me better?

**SCOTTY (both thumbs tucked into his belt, and sporting a cheeky grin)**: Sick in tha head more like… so, nursey, wanna play _doctor_ with me?

**CHRISTINE**: I'll pass… shut _up_ Uhura!

**SCOTTY**: Wha?

**CHRISTINE**: My friend is taking the piss… **(turning to inside of room)** I don't want to 'play doctor' with that anaesthetist! We went out to dinner to talk shop, it wasn't a date!

**GAILA (moving to sit opposite CHRISTINE on the windowsill, only wearing her standard issue panties and a flimsy tank top. She's blowing on her recently painted fingernails)**: Why not play doctor with him? And why did you talk about medical stuff when there was a lovely specimen of man?

**CHRISTINE**: Because I swore off men.

**SCOTTY (pulling at his hair with both hands)**: Nay Lassie! Don-nay say _that_! Tha's even _worse_ than being a health an' safety inspector!

**GAILA**: You're mad! He really fills a set of scrubs well - like fills them like a _porn star _sort of well.

**CHRISTINE**: There's _more_ to a guy than the size of his penis!

**GAILA**: yeah, there's technique too… but whatever - size is _always_ good. You can always work with size.

**SCOTTY (swaggering again, one hand in his front trouser pocket)**: I don-nay mean to boast…

**FRIEND**: but you're gonna do it anyway.

**SCOTTY**: _Shut up_, Laddie! Now, Lassie, I'll tell ye - and Its nay word of a lie…

**FRIEND**: oh, it is. Not that he's _tiny_, or anything… but he won't be doing porn anytime soon.

**SCOTTY (turns back to his friend and ignores the chuckling ladies at the window)**: Hey! I saw a porn holo the other week. I borrowed it of Mitchell in the botony lab, the Laddie who needed his sprinkler system fixing, he gave me the vid after I fixed it… they were doing it on top of a lovely little docking clamp hydraulics manifold.

**FRIEND**: what was it like? Any good? I've watched all mine to death on the last mission. Twenty-four months is a _long_ time.

**SCOTTY**: Aye, it felt like _two years _to me!

**FRIEND**: me _too_! That's weird, isn't it, both of us feeling like it was the same length of time?

**SCOTTY**: Aye! It is at that…

**FRIEND**: So… what was it like, the porn?

**SCOTTY (getting bouncy in his excitement)**: amazing! I've not seen a docking clamp hydraulics manifold look so good in years!

**FRIEND**: I'm worried about you.

**SCOTTY: **Shhh! Don-nay tell the Lassie tha'! They'll think I'm weird!

**FRIEND**: We _know_ you're weird!

**CHRISTINE (drawing the two drunken engineers' attention back to the window)**: not weird, but very drunk.

**SCOTTY**: not very, _just_ drunk - I can _handle_ my drink, I can.

**FRIEND**: which is why he hasn't been sick.

**SCOTTY**: Nay! I'm nay wasting good quality whiskey by being sick! Wha' do ye take me for?

**FRIEND (looking back up at the window)**: so, you're sure you've sworn off men?

**SCOTTY**: a crying shame, tha' is, a crying shame for such a lovely Lassie like yerself to nay want a man. A vision of loveliness, ye are.

**CHRISTINE**: Thanks for the compliment.

**SCOTTY**: I could complement ye a lot more - lots of complimentary orgasms.

**FRIEND (looking confused)**: does that mean that you normally charge for them?

**SCOTTY**: nay! Don nay be daft! So, what do ye say, Lassie? You an' me?

**CHRISTINE (laughing)**: I've a really nice vibrator that does the job - and I don't have to have _really_ strange conversations with it when it's drunk.

**JIM KIRK (from his window, on the floor below, leaning out and looking up)**: If you want the real thing, Chrissie, all you've got to do is ask! And I'll be as sober as a hangover-hypo. Plus I've got size _and_ technique!

**GAILA (completely dead pan, not looking up from where she's also painting her toenails sat on the window ledge)**: He has, I can vouch for that.

**UHURA (laughing)**: Yeah, I walked in on you both _vouching_ for it.

**CHRISTINE (shouting down to Jim)**: Fuck of, Jim! I'm _not_ sleeping with you - in the same way I'm not sleeping with the anaesthetist.

**GAILA**: Again, Why not? Why swear off men?

**CHRISTINE (looking a little sad)**: Long story - but it didn't have a happy ending.

**SCOTTY (confused, but still determined)**: Lassie, are we wasting our time wi' ye?

**CHRISTINE**: yeah, you are, but you're really sweet.

**FRIEND (putting an arm around Scotty's shoulders)**: Awww! We're sweet! She thinks we're sweet.

**SCOTTY**: Ye don-nay wan' to go to bed wi' me, Lassie?

**FRIEND**: Or me? I'm an _engineer_ too, you know. Good with my hands.

**SCOTTY**: aye, he is at that - even _better_ with a spanner… but I oot rank him - so I'd get first dibs.

**FRIEND (****scandalised****)**: you've never pulled rank in your life! I can't believe you're doing it now!

**SCOTTY**: If I have to, I'll pull rank _and_ pull the carpet oot from under yer feet! All for the chance of going to bed with a lovely Lassie, like tha'.

**CHRISTINE**: I think _all_ you should go to bed with tonight is a hangover remedy and a couple of glasses of water.

**SCOTTY**: _Nay_, I wanna enjoy the first _decent_ drink I've had in _two years_! I want the hangover to remind me tha' I finally got me hands on some _decent_ whiskey!

**CHRISTINE**: That's mad. And Bad for your liver.

**GAILA (examining her nails)**: Really mad. So, Chris, no men because of a bad relationship?

**CHRISTINE**: The relationship was good, the break up wasn't.

**GAILA (scowling)**: you humans and your _monogamy_!

**CHRISTINE (sarcastically)**: Yeah… pesky little thing isn't it.

**UHURA**: What happened?

**CHRISTINE**: Well, long story short, there's a really pretty, really expensive, unworn wedding dress for sale, if anyone wants it.

**JIM KIRK**: Ouch. **(pauses)** Bones says it was a good thing you didn't get hitched.

**CHRISTINE (sounding sad)**: Yeah, I agree with him.

**JIM KIRK**: Bones says to shut the window, because you're being distracting… so I'm gona come up and crash your party, because Bones is being _boring_.

**CHRISTINE**: I'll paint your toenails if you come up here, Jim, that's a promise not a threat.

**JIM KIRK**: Have you got beer as well as nail varnish?

**CHRISTINE**: No, but we've got a few bottles of really nice red wine, and several bars of really good chocolate.

**JIM KIRK**: Oooh, classy booze. I'm comfortable in my masculinity - or some other such shit, so who cares if you paint my toenails. I'm just bored! Bones is being all serious and no fun.

**SCOTTY (shouting up)**: Ye can paint _my_ toenails all ye want, lassie!

**FRIEND**: I'll just watch.

**SCOTTY: **Some strange toe-painting-fetish voyeur, are ye?

**FRIEND**: no, I just wana point and laugh at you.

**SCOTTY**: some friend ye are!

**FRIEND (sounding childish, arms crossed sullenly over his chest)**: you just _pulled rank_ on me! I'm not your _friend _any more.

**SCOTTY (pulling his friend into a hug and patting his head like a pet cat)**: och, don-nay be like tha' Laddie…

**GAILA**: so, you're not into men now?

**CHRIS**: I'm on a diet, but I can look at the menu.

**GAILA: **what?

**CHRISTINE**: I'm looking, but not touching.

**GAILA**: I still don't get it.

**CHRISTINE**: I still find men attractive, but I'm in no rush to go out and be in a relationship - or have a one-night stand… Jim! get your shoes off my bed!

**JIM KIRK (from inside)**: You nurses and your hygiene!

**CHRISTINE: (to JIM KIRK) **who knows what you've stood on!

**JIM KIRK**: the floor?

**CHRISTINE**: so, passion pink, fuchsia, aquamarine, midnight blue, French lavender, emerald, black, French Manicure or raspberry coloured toenails? Uhura will do the deed, she's good with feet.

**JIM KIRK**: I'll go for black. Wana do any other deeds with me, Uhura?

**UHURA (laughing)**: That was more lame than your usual lines, Kirk. You've been so creative recently, your standards are slipping.

**JIM KIRK**: Can't blame a guy for trying, and I'll think up some new lines for you… So, you gonna tell me your name, yet? It'll stop me using lame lines on you.

**UHURA**: nope, my lips are sealed. Keep your feet still.

**SCOTTY (shouting up)**: _We're_ trying too!

**GAILA (ignoring the other conversations going on around them)**: so, no more men?

**CHRISTINE**: haven't we established that?

**GAILA**: good. **(proceeds to kiss CHRISTINE passionately, CHRISTINE kisses back a bit)**

**SCOTTY (rubbing his eyes as he looks up)**: Laddie, are ye seeing what I'm seeing.

**FRIEND**: yeah, and I'm sooo wishing I was filming this right now.

**SCOTTY**: aye, me too.

**JIM KIRK**: woah! What sort of a party is this? Why didn't I invite myself sooner?

**UHURA**: Keep your feet still. **(looks to window)** Gaila!

**GAILA and CHRISTINE stop kissing.**

**CHRISTINE**: wow, erm, thanks?

**GAILA**: did it work for you?

**SCOTTY**: screw that! It worked for me!

**FRIEND**: and me!

**JIM KIRK**: Me too!

**CHRISTINE (gently kissing GAILA'S cheek)**: I love you to pieces, Gaila, but just not like that.

**GAILA**: You can't blame me for trying, either.

**(CHRISTINE and GAILA laugh, remove themselves from the window ledge and close the window.)**

**SCOTTY**: Nay Lassies! Don-nay go!

**FRIEND**: they've gone.

**SCOTTY**: Righty-o, lets bugger off to bed…

**FRIEND**: separate beds - we're not that desperate.

**SCOTTY**: nay, I love ye like a brother **(looks thoughtful)**… and incest is bad. Are ye my friend now? Cause, I can love ye like a friend, but one wi'oot benefits.

**FRIEND**: yeah, I'll be your friend again.

**SCOTTY and FRIEND stumble off**.

**Fades to Black.**


End file.
